Major Mood Disorders welcomes Brenda Marcuse as she describes her story

You wouldn’t believe what happened to me. The day before I was supposed to train, I had this massive episode of a suicidal tendency, I could’ve just killed myself. Life was going so terribly and the world seemed like it didn’t want me, this is truly something that I wanted no more of. I was getting no where in life and I failed my previous exam. I also was coming over a recent death of my closest friend and couldn’t get it over myself that he died accidentally. The world seemed like it was aligned to kill me.

I somehow decided not to do it, something happened in me that stopped me from taking my life that night. I went to work, the new job that I was luckily accepted to! The first day though, I come, and the boss tells me that the girl who was supposed to train me committed suicide last night. Everyday since I’ve been thinking about her, that perhaps we both would’ve killed ourselves, except I didn’t do it, but she did.

What is it all supposed to mean?

I guess there’s no use in contemplating the eccentricities of numerology or some other shit like that, but I didn’t kill myself but she did! I still can’t believe it, I don’t think I ever will. I like this job, I don’t want to lose it actually now that its been five months, but the girl who was here before loved it too, she had such great relations with her co-workers and her boss talks about her everyday. I don’t know what to make of this, it seems to be going all over the workplace, this love for her. It shocked me to find out that her boyfriend had dumped her and cheated on her, but why, no idea, but her boss was probably showing depression symptoms.

My boss always talks to me about her, because I am doing what she does, he keeps telling me how amazing she was at the workplace and how she did certain things. It really saddens me to learn about her in such meticulous detail, because it feels like the boss wants me to become like her. I don’t know if I can handle that, or be able to become like her–in fact, I don’t want to become like her. What the hell does one do in this situation?