Major Mood Disorders welcomes Melinda Kassaeir as she describes her story
A diary entry from Melinda as she fights her way through severe depression, suicidal thoughts and an ass of a “boyfriend”
On a cloudy day, I see myself floating into the sky, it’s endless abyss that yearns me to come forward, but I am trying not to give up, not to face the sky not in admiration, but of misery. Some days I feel better, some days I feel like shit, but what can you do, life has a way of surprising you that even you don’t realize yet. This is the story of how I almost gave up, gave up on life, and on my family.
Severe Depression and My Lacking Feelings
It’s an unusual feeling when you feel like you can’t move, that’s what this depression feels like, that I can’t move or get up to do anything that I have to. Some scenarios are much easier to cope with but mostly, these days this depression seems to get heavier and heavier and without end. My boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend, for reasons I am not sure. It’s not like she’s any more sexually attractive as I am–I mean, I have an athletic physique, great body and a set of enviable breasts. What’s she got that I don’t have, beats me, but it sure wasn’t something I was expecting.
Towards the end, he was telling me that I wasn’t being myself, but I don’t really get what that means. It mostly has to do with his lack of initiative and motivation to pursue what he was intended to do, to become a law professor and complete his JD (Juris Doctor). In the end, he just turned into a lazy slob who couldn’t even wash dishes (which was nice after coming from dentistry). We shared a lot of laughs, had some fun here and there, we never drifted apart and it struck me in awe that he would cheat on me like that. It makes no sense to me!
Severe Depression and my Suicidal Tendencies
We talked about it and he gave no answer, maybe it was his problem but I kept thinking that it’s got something to do with me. Was I at fault? I can never be sure now because he just left me, even after being together for four years. Is that normal? My depression kicked in so fast, I probably didn’t even realize it as depression but just felt like I was going to just kill myself. I believe that I am the kind of person who would go all the way, but somehow I stopped myself from ending it all. Suicide isn’t really an option for me, it has crossed my mind but I just don’t have it within me yet to do it.
I’ve been having these feelings for so long, I spoke with my therapist and all he could offer me were a few pills and chocolate, some happy inducing cocktail of chemicals that helped a little bit but in the end I noticed no change in my desire to kill myself. What should I do? It’s been four months now and he’s happily screwing this other chick that used to be my best friend and I don’t think I can let these feelings go.
